initially i was furious w you
then i realised i was furious w myself
as maybe the song that goes
"i hate myself for loving you"
you still have an effect on me.
that's what i dislike.
i wld have thot my heart was alrdy icy cold
but you made it rock cold now
i'm not a person who bear grudges
i think i kinda took it out on you last night over sms alrdy
i need to be more level headed ard you
i need to be devoid of emotions
i think the sms-es hurt you
and angered you as well
what i did hurt myself too
but then coming back to think abt it,
it may not have hurt you at all
bcos all we had was a joke to you
i thot perhaps i cld come clean w you
if you really did care
but it looks like
it's only to kill your curiosity
so my life is a joke to you?
so tt you can gossip and brag abt your ex to your friends and laugh over my stupidity?
over how you're able to convince a naive girl of love and leave her in the lurch after tt?
and just to see how you've caused me to rise and fall and how i live my life after tt?
am i just an experiment to you?
it was not.
i really put in my heart for hell sake.
if you didnt believe in 1st love,
why, in the first place did you ask me to be your girl?
when you alrdy knew you're gg to be my first?
if you didnt believe then why?
when things hvt even happen,
you're worrying abt it alrdy.
what divorce when we hvt even got married to each other?
you have no faith in the r/s at all. you didnt believe.
say what love me and will nv let me go when we are tgt
then say how shld i know you're suitable for me are when you want to break?
and ask me to look for other guys?
all crap. bullshit.
and if we're meant to be
we'll be tgt after all of these?
if fate were to bring us tgt again?
what get married if we're both single after we hit the thirties?
i'm only a spare-tire to you then.
someone you can just live with if you cant get any better ones.
i dont need that. i dont want to be a last option to anyone.
how wld you feel if you are that to someone you love?
if i ever get married, it wld be to someone who put me as the first option.
if not, the only one.
you broke up w me bcos you think i need to focus on my own things?
how abt what i think? have you ever thot of me?
now i can just imagine you telling me
if we ever get married
" i think we shld get a divorce bcos you are not coping well with your work."
you were checking up on me just to get over your own guilt.
and not forgetting. for your curiosity sake.
dont bother if you dont care.
what happens to me.
i have my friends with me.
i dont need a hypocrite like you in my life.
you once asked me if there's any way you cld love me more
i told you to use your heart. to be sincere in the things you do.
but i guess it was all fake.
i was so hurt by what you said i cldnt stop crying the entire night
i felt like i was being used
when you needed someone.
i was just there.
when you dont alrdy,
i'm being cast aside.
you are nothing but a selfish bastard who only cares for yourself
and will do things to cover your own ass.
so army time,
too bored. can come find me.
got other "better" things/goals to achieve
am i right to say tt?
i'm just your toy to keep you from boredom.
i was thinking tt you've wasted 3 yrs of my life
those 3 years are nothing but a lie.
sth one of my fren said pulled me up again
bcos at least, for me,
it was real.
bcos i did live a happy 3 years although it's still, in fact, a living lie.
but do you?
for you, i think you didnt.
tt's why you feel guilty
it was just pure entertainment for you.
i wldnt take it out on you anymore
bcos i believe in karma
what goes round, comes ard
there is no need to dirty my hands
despite everything tt has happened
i am leading a very fulfilling life
and if any case,
anything tt has happened or will happen,
i have all my friends
ppl whom i know will be there for me all the time.
i also have my family.
how abt you?
i have basically asked you to stay off my life
and stay off my blog.
so i wldnt know if you'll ever come across this
but i thot i'd just write.
cos i'm just much too tired to get in touch w you anyway
sick and tired of all of these
if you think fate may bring us back tgt again?
i'd tell fate a big fat no. my feelings have been cheated enough.