Saturday, June 28, 2008
a hundred thots are running thru my mind.
today's mood super up and down.
so apologies if you dont understand wad i'm posting.
my thots are v random.
so is my mood.
*emotinally unstable*
i'm utterly confused.
i duno wad i want.
i want to be able to let go.
to be able to forget him.
to move on v well.
and dont let him linger on my mind in anyway.
but it's not working v well.
logically speaking,
i shld be able to let go alr.
it seems wisable to remain single now
we're only 21!
we're still young!
and whether we'll end up tgt in the end is another story because we duno wad the future has in store for us.
now is just not exactly the right time to settle ourselves down.
but somehow,
emotionally wise,
its totally another story.
no one else has been able to make me feel the way he makes me feel.
special.and i've nv felt for anyone else the way i feel for him. just the pure simple joy o seeing him. or his name in my inbox.
ppl keep telling me tt i'll find better guys outside.
and he's not so fantastic anyway.
but somehow it's just him. it's still him.
no one is perfect. and beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.
in my eyes, there is only him.
there may be better guys. i agree. but it's just the feelings.
how can you settle for a person whom you dont feel for, even though he has a v good criterias?
seriously, i dont think i can.
rmbering all the good times we had.
and the bad times.
all the sweet memories.
and even the ugly ones.
the thick and thin we've been thru
i still rmb the the courting days
when he was so sure tt i was the one he wants.
telling me tt i'm his dream girl.
teaching me to believe. to trust.
the days after we got tgt
all the beautiful memories created
the fortunate, blessed and blissful feelings
missing him when he's not by my side..
worrying abt him when he's away
the unconditional love, care and concern given
there were actually more happy moments than the bad ones
yet i duno why i kinda recorded all the beautiful ones in my diary and photoblog and the not so good ones in this blog. perhaps i duno how to tell him and hope tt he'd read and understand?
i'm actually a v proud girlfriend
one who's v proud o her boyfriend
it's just tt i dont really show it
happy also dont show much
but not happy defintely will show.
dumb huh
i keep telling myself now tt it's only memories now.
thr's no more to it le.
no more him being the centre of my world.
no more my doraemon.
i've got to re-think abt my future w/o him by my side
and i'm struggling to find the courage to do so
the thing abt love.
i think you got to believe in it.
if you dont
it's all nonsense
it can make you feel like being in cloud 9.
at the same time it can makes you feel like s***.
the belief has to be strong enough.
in order to keep the r/s gg.
(but did he believe enough?
i guessed he gave up believing.
gave up trusting.
instead
fearing the future.
not daring to believe in it.
not daring to hope
and thus let go
in the past
i was the one fearing then
to turn our friendship to bgr
for fear it may not work out
losing him again as a fren after gg thru so much alr
asked him to rethink again
yet he was so sure.
i wonder where the belief and confidence has gone.
sighs.)
i believed and want to continue believing.
i view it as a beautiful gift
with the pain and sorrows it brings
makes the smallest joy and sweetness appears much bigger
but i'm the only one holding on to tt belief now
the one 傻傻地相信
傻傻的等
the ironic thing is
love is an complicated issue
which involves the heart and emotions
it shldnt be dealt w so logically
while logically speaking
because one feels
but then in this practical world
and so much external factors
so much worries and fear
(esp o the future)
makes ppl stay off
makes some wonders if love even exist at all
smt
it can make ppl feel so miserable tt one wonders why ppl are continuing to seek for it
i guess the ans lies in the part where the misery makes up for the joy felt. if not, the happiness wont be thr. troublesome thing our emotions are. humans are just complicated creatures. seeking the inevitable yet fearing and avoiding them.
argh.
i think i've started rambling again.
irregular flow o thots.
wadeva.
am so dead tired alr.
time to slp.
still got to work tmr and it's 0300hr le.
nite ppl.i think i'm just crazy.
i need a venting grd.
*ps. went wild wild wet w char today.
it was nice though i think i alr drove her to madness w my ramblings.
sorry char~*
pps. even w all the up and dw feelings, the misery i've felt
i feel fortunate enough to have loved and be loved.
at least i know what it feels like
but at the same time wishing tt i didnt
so tt i dont have to feel so miserable.
see!
i'm contradicting myself
ok, i'm talking to myself.
but overall i dont regret being in the r/s w him
argh.
sorry ppl.
for all the ramblings.
and the super long entry
told ya i'm emotionally unstable le.
the ups and dws.
sighs.
++jingz++;
6/28/2008 12:40:00 AM
Thursday, June 26, 2008
missing you...
*chiding myself*
oh mans. why do i still miss him so much?
just when i think i'm getting on fine alr
i have to miss him this way again.
sighs.
but dont worry my frens,
i'll get on fine.
i'll persevere.
at least i'm not crying anymore.
*smile*
jeecheng will be a strong girl
on a lighter note,
i've caught shaolin girl w yupei...
it's a nice movie...
*smile*
wuan, i think you'd like it...
++jingz++;
6/26/2008 02:10:00 AM
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
in a very confused state right now.
i duno what to think.
what to expect.
what to do.
++jingz++;
6/24/2008 02:19:00 AM
Sunday, June 15, 2008
emo-ing...
i still miss him
especially today
when i have nthing to do
nowhere to go
rmb how we used to spend our no plans day tgt
thr may be quarrels
thr may be fights
but as long as we're still tgt
i'm satisfied
but i've nv really shown my true feelings tt i'm actually content enough
still want to push and demand for him to do things nicely for me
i shld have shown my contentment then
perhaps things cld have been different
one big lesson i've learnt
like i've told tammy
is to be honest w my true feelings
thr's no harm being open abt my feelings
abt letting another know tt they are loved
i have no idea why i chose to hide then
shy? want him to be the one to say 1st? pride?
it's been quite some time tt we're tgt alr and i'm still waitng fro him to make the 1st move
i cant believe i allowed tt to happen
for my brain to overrule my heart
actually
i think it shld have been mutual
he ought to be able to feel my love for him as well as for me to feel it from him
he ought to be told
i've always thot i've always shown him tt i appreciate him
i dont think i did
i've forward emails telling ppl to always let the ppl ard you know tt they are being loved and appreciated
i've thot i'm doing it myself
all and all,
i dont think i've actually done so
i didnt practise what i preached
sadly to say
a love so strong
yet i didnt say it
sighs.
thr's no looking back now.
i've cried enough. dragged long enough.
i can only tell myself that i need to move forward
he tells me that he sacrificed alot o thing for me during the r/s
i really appreciate it
but it works both ways as well
i've put him on top of every thing i did
and i'm really sorry tt i caused you to sacrifice so much for me
and it's causing you regrets
i thot i regretted giving you my love
and sacrifising for you
till i didnt even have a dream w/o you in it
you were my everything
you were my world
my doraemon
nthin mattered as long as you are with me
and being w you was my dream
now
i need to rebuild my dreams.
plan my own future
and i hated you for this.
hated myself for it.
i thot i do
but i dont
i have no hates
no regrets.
i just hope that you'll still think o me w a smile on your face
and rmb all the good times that we shared
i will always still be here
if you ever need me
you are my 1st love
and will always be
forward as i move
i will look back w a smile
bcos of you
thks for all the precious memories
all the joys that we've shared
for giving.
for loving.
and for the lessons learnt
and for making me realised tt i have friends who care alot abt me
for the closer friendship fostered
even ppl whom i didnt think would
they were thr all the while.
it makes me appreciate them even more
i have no idea what the future's gona hold for me
but i'm gonna braved it
i'll live well
and not mopped in sorrow
live life like thr's no tmr
i'm sure my friends wld be proud of me
*smile*
but pls pardon me if i do have my downs my dear friends
just continue to be thr for me..
thks for letting me know tt thr's always someone watching for me out thr
it's a wonderful feeling to know that fact
i feel lucky
bcos i may not be the most amazing person to exist
i dont see any good pts in me tt deserve this kind o well treatment
clumsy kltuz up till this age.
indecisive.
impatient.
fiery temper.
demanding..stubborn.selfish.
only perhaps that i'm too nice and trusty.
perhaps i've lost part o my self confidence
but i'll build it up.
jiayou jeecheng!
i know my thots are v random
and emotins in a mess
but i just want to say them.
once again
thkyew my friends.
++jingz++;
6/15/2008 11:02:00 PM
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
numbed.
i will be strong.
i was right.deep dw in me i alr knew thr was no hope.
too much too much were left unsaid.
then.
and now too.
all the accumulations.
has resulted in this sad story
mistake made.
lesson learnt.
thank you for the story.
this chapter of my life will be closed.
++jingz++;
6/11/2008 01:19:00 AM
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
i'm afraid...
i want to
yet i dont want to
i duno how it will turn out
and i duno why i'm doin it either knowingly tt i'm putting myself to hurt again
i have minimal hope
or perhaps no hope at all
but still cant help but hope
pls look out for me
i'm really scared
..
really scared of myself
++jingz++;
6/10/2008 12:31:00 AM
Thursday, June 05, 2008
yea!
salsa class has started again...
heh.
can start dancing again..
it has been a long time...
join the performing team?
i aint good enough leh~
sighs.
nvm
muz jiayou!
++jingz++;
6/05/2008 11:54:00 PM
Monday, June 02, 2008
i'm really grateful to you guys...
especially
yupei yang hong peck wuan hue min jian wen amanda tammy ginny
pearly louis hong chun
my mei mei and my di di
thank you for being there
++jingz++;
6/02/2008 01:48:00 AM
