Saturday, June 28, 2008
a hundred thots are running thru my mind.
today's mood super up and down.
so apologies if you dont understand wad i'm posting.
my thots are v random.
so is my mood.
*emotinally unstable*
i'm utterly confused.
i duno wad i want.
i want to be able to let go.
to be able to forget him.
to move on v well.
and dont let him linger on my mind in anyway.
but it's not working v well.
logically speaking,
i shld be able to let go alr.
it seems wisable to remain single now
we're only 21!
we're still young!
and whether we'll end up tgt in the end is another story because we duno wad the future has in store for us.
now is just not exactly the right time to settle ourselves down.
but somehow,
emotionally wise,
its totally another story.
no one else has been able to make me feel the way he makes me feel.
special.and i've nv felt for anyone else the way i feel for him. just the pure simple joy o seeing him. or his name in my inbox.
ppl keep telling me tt i'll find better guys outside.
and he's not so fantastic anyway.
but somehow it's just him. it's still him.
no one is perfect. and beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.
in my eyes, there is only him.
there may be better guys. i agree. but it's just the feelings.
how can you settle for a person whom you dont feel for, even though he has a v good criterias?
seriously, i dont think i can.
rmbering all the good times we had.
and the bad times.
all the sweet memories.
and even the ugly ones.
the thick and thin we've been thru
i still rmb the the courting days
when he was so sure tt i was the one he wants.
telling me tt i'm his dream girl.
teaching me to believe. to trust.
the days after we got tgt
all the beautiful memories created
the fortunate, blessed and blissful feelings
missing him when he's not by my side..
worrying abt him when he's away
the unconditional love, care and concern given
there were actually more happy moments than the bad ones
yet i duno why i kinda recorded all the beautiful ones in my diary and photoblog and the not so good ones in this blog. perhaps i duno how to tell him and hope tt he'd read and understand?
i'm actually a v proud girlfriend
one who's v proud o her boyfriend
it's just tt i dont really show it
happy also dont show much
but not happy defintely will show.
dumb huh
i keep telling myself now tt it's only memories now.
thr's no more to it le.
no more him being the centre of my world.
no more my doraemon.
i've got to re-think abt my future w/o him by my side
and i'm struggling to find the courage to do so
the thing abt love.
i think you got to believe in it.
if you dont
it's all nonsense
it can make you feel like being in cloud 9.
at the same time it can makes you feel like s***.
the belief has to be strong enough.
in order to keep the r/s gg.
(but did he believe enough?
i guessed he gave up believing.
gave up trusting.
instead
fearing the future.
not daring to believe in it.
not daring to hope
and thus let go
in the past
i was the one fearing then
to turn our friendship to bgr
for fear it may not work out
losing him again as a fren after gg thru so much alr
asked him to rethink again
yet he was so sure.
i wonder where the belief and confidence has gone.
sighs.)
i believed and want to continue believing.
i view it as a beautiful gift
with the pain and sorrows it brings
makes the smallest joy and sweetness appears much bigger
but i'm the only one holding on to tt belief now
the one 傻傻地相信
傻傻的等
the ironic thing is
love is an complicated issue
which involves the heart and emotions
it shldnt be dealt w so logically
while logically speaking
because one feels
but then in this practical world
and so much external factors
so much worries and fear
(esp o the future)
makes ppl stay off
makes some wonders if love even exist at all
smt
it can make ppl feel so miserable tt one wonders why ppl are continuing to seek for it
i guess the ans lies in the part where the misery makes up for the joy felt. if not, the happiness wont be thr. troublesome thing our emotions are. humans are just complicated creatures. seeking the inevitable yet fearing and avoiding them.
argh.
i think i've started rambling again.
irregular flow o thots.
wadeva.
am so dead tired alr.
time to slp.
still got to work tmr and it's 0300hr le.
nite ppl.i think i'm just crazy.
i need a venting grd.
*ps. went wild wild wet w char today.
it was nice though i think i alr drove her to madness w my ramblings.
sorry char~*
pps. even w all the up and dw feelings, the misery i've felt
i feel fortunate enough to have loved and be loved.
at least i know what it feels like
but at the same time wishing tt i didnt
so tt i dont have to feel so miserable.
see!
i'm contradicting myself
ok, i'm talking to myself.
but overall i dont regret being in the r/s w him
argh.
sorry ppl.
for all the ramblings.
and the super long entry
told ya i'm emotionally unstable le.
the ups and dws.
sighs.
++jingz++;
6/28/2008 12:40:00 AM
